“The Queen Mom”

The last costume I'll ever wear: "The Queen Mom" (not the Queen Mum!) :D

The last costume I’ll ever wear: “The Queen Mom” (not the Queen Mum!) 😀

Yes, you read it right; it’s “The Queen Mom“, not to be confused with “The Queen Mum“!

For decades I dressed up as a vampire for Hallowe’en, mostly because during those years I was quite exotic looking and the make-up suited me.

…and the form-fitting, black, slinky dress that was cut “down to there”,

with the revealing leg slit that was “cut up to here”!!

I’m not conceited, but I have always had eyes to see (ha! ‘vampire sees self in looking glass’!!)

and ears to hear what people said as I passed.

I knew I looked good, though I knew looks don’t last…but when I walked into a room, every eye turned, regardless of how I was dressed.

Ahh, but I’m old now. My looks have faded, gravity has been picking on me for years,

and my glossy, dark brown tresses with their auburn highlights are now silver and thin

…and at some point I acquired two extra chins.

But that’s alright. I have been told that my eyes still sparkle when I laugh and that my lap and hugs are more comfortable now than they ever were. Besides, my grandkids get a grand laugh when I jiggle my chins for them 😀

So anyway – there I was one day, and my age kicked me in my non-existent teeth.

“You’re OLD!” it informed me.

No more sexy vampire dresses that show your crépey décolletage and orange peel thighs,

nor exotic eye make-up that sinks into the folds of your eyes.

And no more vampire fangs to pop in your mouth

when there’s nothing to hook them to…your body’s gone south!

Time for a change that suits your age…

like a mouldy old ghost

or some ancient sage!”

Well, I may be older than dirt, I replied, but surely that doesn’t mean that I’ve died!

Why should I be forced to dress like a toad, when Walmart sells costumes right down the road?

So I hopped on my scooter and I went for a ride, thinking, “I could easily dress up as Dracula’s bride!

But when I arrived there was nothing my size that wouldn’t stretch uncomfortably over my fat…thighs.

But wait! What’s this in the back, on the floor, all covered in dustballs, dusty, forlorn?

I looked very closely and then gasped with delight, for the tag said XXXL – it would fit me just right!

A velvety costume with cheap nylon ties…loose enough to cover my six tummies and…thighs!

A dowager dutchess, I’ll be this Hallowe’en, as long as I can get this thing to come clean.

As I headed to the cashier up front, I passed through the craft department and stopped with a bump

up against the shelf of sculpture wire spools.

My eyes glazed over as I gazed all around (at the crystal beads and metal leaves) and thought to myself, I could fashion a crown!

I collected my goodies and raced to the check out, hopped on my scooter with a grin and a shout!

What you see in my photo is what I have done

This Hallowe’en I’m going to be The Queen Mom!!